My mind currently goes back to the victims of that horrible massacre in Connecticut. Now that I have a new human being growing inside me, I deeply feel for those mothers and fathers who lost their children. I can't even read the articles or see the news about what happened in that school that day, it only makes my heart hurts so much.
And I really can't stress myself this week. This is a crucial week for all of us. Week 38, almost there! And I am and will be happy about it!
It's funny how we (as parents) think we can decide everything. That we have the power over our small babies. But since the womb they are there to show us that we have no control at all over our lives anymore. From now on, it's their rules and you have to follow!
I was planning a very relaxed natural birth. I was so curious about it, being so different from every birth story I ever heard, that I really wanted to try. I wanted to be in water, with my husbands hands massaging my back, breathing deeply, making cow noises, no medications, just the three of us connected to this miraculous event that's birth. But, at 37 weeks and a half, baby decided that she didn't want to be born that way. "No way" she might have thought "This is too hippie, I'm a super modern girl and I don't want to be dropped in water!" Well, my little stubborn girl decided she won't turn upside down! It is comfy the way it is, she is there sitting down, waiting the right moment to meet her parents and well, it's just to much hassle to be upside down anyway!
And here we are. We tried everything you can imagine for turning this baby. I did acupuncture, moxibustion - a burning cigar that goes very near your small toe for 15 minutes and it's supposed to open more space on your uterus so baby could turn - I was upside down myself for 1 minute everyday, and we went to the hospital for a ECV.
ECV (External Cephalic Version) it's a technique done by doctors where they kind of grab the whole baby from outside your belly and just try to force them to turn. I know, it doesn't sound right ans IT IS NOT. OMG, how much that thing hurts!!!! I felt like they were tearing me apart, changing position of all my internal organs... And baby didn't turn. She is SO her father's daughter.
I'm not surprised if the turns last minute just to make a statement!
I know lots of mothers out there will say that it's still possible to have a natural vaginal birth even with a breech baby, but I'm just too scared now. I'm already worrying a lot why she didn't turn, is there's something wrong with her and etc. I believe not even all the relaxing tapes in the world could calm myself down to try to have a natural birth with her in this position. So we are going for an elective cesarean. And because I complete my 39th week at Christmas day, they scheduled it for the 20th, two days from today!
I can't wait to meet my baby girl, my sweet angel, my little best friend! Can't wait to hear her cry at the theater room, all purple from the birth. And they will put her over my tummy and she will make a huge effort to try to open her tiny eyes to see her mom. And I'll tell her how much I already love her and how excited we are to meet her. And I will feed her for the first time in my life, feeding another being with my own body, and we will become friends, and we will have good laughs during the course of this amazing experience that's parenthood.
One friend of mine wrote me a lovely e-mail and she said: "but soon she will be in your arms and it will seem like the universe has revealed its grand purpose for you". She's right, this is the meaning of life, raising other humans so they can be part of the society.
Even the society not being great, and stupid things like giving guns to boys who are so angry, so scared themselves is a very dangerous thing. Even people being greedy, competitive, liars. Even with all the horrible things that happen in this world, it is still a wonderful place to be.
And I'll show little Clara all the good things this world has to offer. Love, laughs, beautiful landscapes, music, compassion, dance, friendship, furry animals, everything!
Can't wait to meet you baby. It's getting very close now. Love you,